I don't even know you Angelina

I haven't seen Wanted, but I bet the experience is akin to eating cookies when you're in a bad mood. You know cookies are empty carbs, but they're so good you eat 18 of them and get a terrible stomachache and then you ask yourself why you've sunken to such depravity. And I do this a lot, so I understand why people would watch Wanted. It's flashy — and it feels good! At least for a while.

But all the recent press about Angelina's pillowy lips, dewy skin and how much she "conveys just standing there" (Dude, it's just sex. That's what it's called.) made me realize that I've actually never seen an Angelina movie... I know.  

But after reviewing a list of her more popular films, I see that my accidental decision is one I can stand by:

Lara Croft Tombraider: I wasn't a 15 year old boy when this came out so that's probably why I didn't see this. Although the fact that Angelina races against both time AND villains to recover powerful ancient artifacts reminds me of National Treasure, which for some reason I did see. 

Hackers: Woah, imdb.com tells me that Jesse Bradford (of Bring It On and Swimfan fame) is in this. Therefore it is now at the top of the list of Angelina movies I might rent one day when there are no Olsen twin movies available at Blockbuster. 

Gone in 60 Seconds: She plays a hot chick in this right? Juuust guessing.

Photoshop or magic? They're the same thing.

"we need cereal."

"oh ok. let me go get some."

Kanye Blogs Too?

And in all caps. Angrily.

The fore man’s Run’s House: George Foreman gets a Reality Show

My roommate once left our Foreman Grill on for three days. Since then, TV Land has deemed George Foreman and the antics of his twelve-person family television worthy. I think we’re supposed to imagine that that many people in one house behave like tumbling kittens and George the Original trying to tame everyone a la Cheaper By the Dozen. And to be fair, America wants to know. Are his five sons, all named George, referred to by a serial number or perhaps an adorable nickname?

The two-minute preview focuses on George’s love for his family. But this is sounding not only disingenuous, but also a bit familiar. A bit like Run’s House (the reruns of which once kept me only semi-unwillingly in my house for an entire Saturday). If Run’s House was The Osbournes without the profanity, Family Foreman is like Run’s House without the charm or the gorilla suits.

George’s self-evident advice like, “If you can be the best, no one will stop you,” makes me miss sugarplum visions of Rev Run, all sudsy and warm in his bathtub and his sage, end-credit monologues. I want to tickle him under the chin just thinking about it. 

Bride of Frankenstein: A Tale of Love and Addiction

Had anyone ever actually seen Bride of Frankenstein before this past Monday at Bryant Park? I fell asleep on the grass for the first twenty minutes or so, but the parts I was awake for were pretty awesome.

Here are the highlights:

•  Lord Byron (who trills his Rs delightfully), Percy Shelley and Perce’s wife Mary chilling in their living room as the film’s prologue. 
  
• Frankenstein gluts himself on booze and cigars as a rite of passage into the community of man. Seriously, he gets really into that stuff.
  
• In an episode of Sex and the City the women hypothesize about men who “have their light on,” like a cab, meaning they are finally ready to settle down. Somewhere around the age of 30 a man’s light goes on and a woman quickly snatches him up. Frankenstein’s light is definitely on.
  
• Bride of Frankenstein, hottie or nottie?