1. She is from Houston, my hometown.
2. She has sung a number of my personal "jams," including "Jumpin' Jumpin'" and "Naughty Girl."
3. She is married to Jay-Z, whom I also adore because ladies ARE pimps too.
But lately she has been the cause of much questioning. Did she realize that by naming her last album B'day she would bring to mind the word bidet? That by replacing the apostrophe (') with a simple dash (-), she would have erased any possibility of the image of getting our posteriors washed by an arcing jet of water getting in the way of celebrating B-day, like a birthday but it's Beyonce-day (which is everyday!)? Why has she been dressing like Zenon Girl of the 21st Century lately? See?
And again!
But the weirdest part is that robotic hand. It's featured prominently in her video for "Single Ladies," where at the glittering climax Beyonce showcases a giant engagement ring decorating the ring finger of her BIONIC HAND and gives a menacing grin. She's sending the message that once the wily single lady seduces her man and gets that ring, she actually turns into a murderous robot capable of mind control and getting you to go to the store in the middle of the night to buy tampons. Not that that's not true but shouldn't we try to keep that little secret between you and me, Bee?
I can imagine the glove resting on a red satin display in a store window like at Tiffany's. Beyonce walks by, presses her nose against the glass, and says, "I have to have it!" But a robot hand can't really ever be utilized without facing derision. Let's not forget the one in Lindsay Lohan's spectacular I Know Who Killed Me that stripper-Linds uses to plunge through the coffin of her hopefully-still-breathing college coed twin.
