I need a new muse

Last summer Jessica Alba was my Model of Fitness. Every time I did a sit-up, I envisioned myself as Jessica. I loved her in Honey (a completely underrated film in which Missy Elliott saves the day, as she so often does for us all), and I was pretty certain she was the most gorgeous being to have ever walked the earth. 

But she sort of dropped off my radar by being in movies like Good Luck Chuck and Awake and after a while I got too busy to be watching TNT reruns of Honey for the 15th time. Then she got pregnant. Beautifully pregnant, but still, it was hard for me to jog to visions of baby-belly Jessicas.

So for this summer I needed a new muse. And I'm pretty picky. I'm not so much into waifs, thereby disqualifying Keira Knightley, Kate Hudson and a host of other starlets. I saw some hot pictures of Bar Rafaeli in a bikini, but I'm not sure I could bear thinking about the woman who gets to sleep beside Leonardo Dicaprio on a regular basis. Maggie Gyllenhaal and Zooey Deschanel are two of my favorites, but they seem too hipster to exercise. 

I finally settled on Eva Mendes. In fact, when I see her, I kind of swoon. Plus there are ads all over the city with jewels falling out her mouth. And she is in these Calvin Klein underwear ads...

Um, I kind of want to be her boyfriend!!!!

How To Make it onto an NYC Missed Connection

When a stranger in a mangy tshirt writes a few sentences on the internet about how he wishes he had said something to you, it almost makes it okay that you are single and have no one to see The Dark Knight with. It doesn't matter that if he had asked for your number you wouldn't have given it to him because he probably has a sex + chocolate pudding fetish and he smells like canned Atlantic salmon. Someone thinks you are attractive. And because I really believe this, lately I have been reading a good deal of the MCs and trying to figure out how I can achieve this very special brand of fame. 

1. Learn how to make I'm-Interested-In-Having-Sex-With-You Eyes. Practice in front of the mirror if necessary. (It's best if you don't wink or use your lips to get the message across.)

2. Makes eyes at guys that are tall and wear button down shirts. This is what 90% of posters say they look like.

3. Be Asian, blonde or wear a bright colored accessory. Yellow tank tops do well.

4. Actually anything to call attention to yourself is good. "Tear it up" on the dance floor or yell something slutty at a concert.

5. Hang out in Union Square or ride the subway a lot. Especially the L and D trains.

6. Mornings and evenings are the best times. So try to look hottest then. 

7. Your neighbor might be your best option. So don't ignore him even though he seems a bit intense. Keep your curtains open, he knows what you're up to all the time anyway. 

I'll let you know when it happens for me. Any further suggestions?

Be Kanye Absolut Ads

I was on the subway Monday afternoon, fervently making eyes at people I thought might write a Missed Connection about me when I realized I was sitting across from this Be Kanye ad. No one else seemed to be taking interest, which seemed odd to me. I love that bald guy, he looks so pervy.

Once you follow the link to bekanyenow.com, Absolut vodka will tell you that these Kanye pills were made from a lab accident involving orange soda (Kel?). I would have thought grape. I won't ruin all the delicious surprises awaiting you on the website, except to say that the "Common Questions" tab really answers none of my questions. 

Such as, what would I do if a guy at a bar approached me and really thought he was Kanye West? Or just drank enough alcohol to pretend he was KW. Or shared any personality traits with Kanye at all. Or wore those glasses. I bet that's happened to some people. But then again, he does have a PHd (Pretty Huge....!).

Other celebrities that should have video games too

Being a true Renaissance man, 50 Cent now has his own video game. You can watch the trailer for "50 Cent: Blood on the Sand" here.  In the game, 50 Cent performs somewhere in the war-torn Middle East but instead of cash the show promotor pays him with a diamond encrusted skull. To society's collective dismay, 50 gets robbed on the way to the airport and he and his weed carriers have to utilize all manner of rocket launchers and military rigs to get it back... while still managing to get the girl. How do you like him now? 

This has opened the door for other celebrities to get their own games too:

1. "Katie Holmes: Pie-n-tology." The player, as Katie, must bake pies for Tom Cruise who is costumed in his Risky Business ensemble of shirt and sunglasses. The pies get increasingly more difficult to create, from simple apple to something with a crumb topping. There's a secret final level where Katie bakes a pie with glass shards in it and then must escape into the night with Suri tucked into a knapsack. Multiple player mode involves a series of mini games that include timed pie baking, scaling brick walls and giving birth while not making noise.

2. Lauren Conrad goes on dates with different men starting with the backstage intern for J.Lo and ultimately with the third and unknown Madden brother. You get to choose her outfits, what she orders at dinner, what club she goes to and whether she calls Lo, Whitney or Audrina after each date for girl talk. Okay so not that much happens and it's kind of boring...

3. There's a trenchcoat flasher terrorizing the neighborhood and Harry Potter's Daniel Radcliffe must find and apprehend him. But then it turns out that the flasher might actually be Radcliffe himself, given his penchant for being edgy and naked. The final round is a Radcliffe v. Racliffe showdown and oh, it's brutal.

Amy Winehouse's fave outfits

So yesterday I spent a good deal of time perusing Amy Winehouse photos thinking she had been progressively rotting away over time and wanting to track the change. And while that is partly true (re: her case of impetigo being a low, low point), she actually sort of always looked skeletal and mangy. 

I did notice, however, that Amy favors a certain pair of denim bermudas and a skirt/belt combo that reappeared rather frequently over the years. You go girl. Maybe she even wears an outfit two days in a row if it isn't too dirty, like my mother always encouraged me to do.

So even though you weren't wondering, now you know... those are Amy Winehouse's favorite clothes. 

Leggings Scourge Finds New Victims

I don't like leggings for women. Even though Lilo has her own line and I love her. As pants they either make people feel awkward about looking near your crotch or they're just a pointless accessory. 

But I might feel differently about man-leggings (meggings?). There are already man-pris and murses. Envision a whole line of girl-rags turned semi-manly. Man-dresses (messes!), man-skirts (kilts?) and mmm-louses. For men who like jumpsuits for their one-piece functionality and the comfort of no waistband, the Mess is the next step. Kevin Federline — a faithful advocate of the man-pri — could catalogue model! 

photo courtesy nymag.com

From left, Givenchy, Bernhard Willhelm, John Galliano

yumyum Gay Pride Parade

This Saturday at the Gay Pride parade fully clothed men outnumbered the ones in tiny briefs and it rained, but luckily there were some enthusiastic baton twirlers. I came home with a Mamma Mia cardboard fan, a really beat up condom and I was humming "Keep Bleeding." All in all a good day. 

Another reason to love Mary Kate Olsen

We all hate Spencer and even though it feels like we know him personally, Mary Kate actually does. On Letterman the other night, MK introduced the laughable idea of Spencer playing a team sport.

Spencer responded typically: "I know I've made it in Hollywood when a famous troll is talking about me on Letterman. I forgive her though. She's had to go through life as the less cute twin, which must be tough."

Whatever Spencer, I can't wait to see The Wackness but I'd still rather see you fall down a manhole. 

And a Note to David Letterman: If I have to hear one more person talk about someone as the "exception" in a morally bankrupt young Hollywood, I am going to have to primal scream. No-underwear jokes are so last summer.