I.N.L.T.O.D Part III

3. Weeds, totally down hill.

4. Ben Stiller movies.

5. Boy bands. 

Jonas Brothers, I do not sweat you.

6. Robert Downey Jr. 

Uuuh that freakin' mustache! 

And let me be clear. These were things that I really enjoyed. Now it's like a world with no laughter. No more repetitive choruses with just a liiiiittle bit of mid-drift showing, and I'm talking about N'Sync not Britney.

On second thought, the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus do offer the same kinds of things as 1999 era Britney Spears and I guess the reason I'm not interested is their age. Which should be a red flag. Celebrities are getting younger and younger. Hasn't everyone heard about that 12-year old who blogs? 

Instead of eating our young we're going to be eaten by our young. I'm scared. 

 

It's not like the old days... II

2. Action movies

Out of all the best action movies — Lethal Weapon, Die Hard, Speed — let's take one as a case study. Predator. Has Carl Weathers in it, Arnold Schwarzenegger covered in mud fighting aliens and Bill Duke shaves in the jungle without shaving cream. And if action movies are judged on a manly scale, which clearly they are, Predator totally owns today's action movies. 

Take this year's Jumper. Jamie Bell and Hayden Christensen are kind of cute, but is cute what we want in our action stars? I say no! Arnold would have ripped the ears off these teddy bears with his teeth! 

Action movies these days are just about skinny white guys getting with pretty girls. Look at him. He's wearing a peacoat for god's sake. Our generation needs deliverance. 

It's not like the old days...

Another birthday recently passed by for me, so naturally I tried to stop and take note of where my life was, how things had changed in the past year... all that good stuff. 

A friend of mine wrote in her card to me, "it's all down here from now." She's pretty much right. 

I have created a list of things that just aren't as good as they used to be and will share them with you over the next few posts.

1. Britney Spears

Then: 

Now:

I'm so right, right?

I'm Just Not That Into You

When the lattes begin to cool, or alternatively the beer is getting warm, my conversations are often saved by the question, "What celebrity would you most like to punch in the face?" Because there are celebrities we love (Eva Mendes, pre-mustache Robert Downey, Jr., the Olsens... I needn't go on) but there are the stars we could arguably say we enjoy having around even more because we hate them so much. You can only admire so many people who have lives infinitely better than yours after all. Here is a list of a few that I have heard as a response to that question, but please weigh in on your own celeb-nemeses.

1. Scarlett Johansson, my own personal least-favorite. A one-note actor, the only characters ScarJo ever plays are halfway indie chicks who wear vintage dresses with socks. Yes, yes she's sexy but aren't there plenty of those running around? We're pretty much the same size so I think I could take her. (Please do not ask me to go for her top first thing.)

2. Keira Knightly. Mean face, that one.

3. My roommate picked Jessica Biel, but I think she has pretty nice hair. 

4. All the guys from Growing Up Gotti. "I would kill them. All of them." 

5. Spencer Pratt, obvious choice. LC would be pretty fun to see in a fistfight too, as a side note. 

6. Toby Keith, but why bother really?

La Moustache

I know it was predictable of me to yearn for you, Robert Downey, Jr., after your middle-aged comeback in a superhero movie. You are too old for me and it's true that the last thing I saw you in before Iron Man was U.S. Marshals (when I was 11 and therefore not yet capable of lust). But you didn't have to go this far. Shave the mustache and we can reach a peaceful armistice.

Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl"*

Why did it take so long for someone to make the Two-Girls-Kiss-to-Get-Attention gimmick into a song? This was a perfectly conceived idea that fully exploits the attraction of hot part-time lesbians and also Madonna-whore, not only in the innocent taste of cherry chapstick, but KP's kittenish finger biting in the video. The song, like the act of girl-on-girl action itself, is not subtle. There's no need for suspense, so it's a good thing they just put everything on the table with the song title. NO MAN CAN RESIST. Not even Kanye!

Another plus, when girls hear it at clubs they might make out in deference to it. Because god knows they can't dance to it.

*I hate this song

A Mystery Solved

So the whole world thinks that Katie Holmes is under the Cruise brand of mind control. What other explanation is there for her to dress like this? 

As it turns out, her slouchy outfit was just an act of sartorial revenge. After Katie started walking around with her jeans pegged, a number of other stars like Amanda Peet here began following suit. Now she can say, "HA! To all you naysayers who accuse me of not thinking for myself. HA! I think for all of young Hollywood! I control THEIR MINDS!"

Well played, Katie.

A Letter to Fancy Celebrity Types

Kirsten Dunst slumming it at an MGMT concert in Brooklyn.

Dear Celebrities,

I know the economy is rough on all of us right now, but must you bogart the things that rightfully belong to me, a member of the unwashed masses? Are fame, fortune and hardly ever looking sweaty not enough for you? 

The world is clearly divided in two.

Things you get:

1. paying a lot of money for really nice things

2. VIP sections

3. having someone brush your hair for you in the morning

Things I get:

1. free concerts

2. taking furniture people dispose of on the sidewalk and putting it in my apartment

3. eating peanut butter out of the jar

I would prefer it if you could in the future please pay closer attention to these guidelines. You don't see me doing things like paying for cabs or looking good in a bikini. Because I respect your lifestyle. I hope that next time I wait in line for a concert for three hours on a sidewalk and get jostled by people in fake Raybans, then give up and go home after my friend buys some shampoo, that I don't find out the next day that Kirsten Dunst was there. Wearing Raybans. 

Talk to you soon,

Nikki